Us against them?

The mother was crying and screaming at me in the principal’s office. I had taken the woman's son to the office earlier for beating up on another student during my class. Thirty students witnessed the incident, but the mother still accused me of being racist and picking on her son. The fourteen-year-old sixth grader stood there smiling behind his mother, confident that she would fix things. And she did by pulling him out of school to keep the principal from disciplining him. She repeated this process every time he got in trouble, pulling him out and enrolling him in a number of other schools in nearby towns.

The next time I saw the mother was in the public library several years later after I had become the public library director. Minors in trouble with the law met with their probation officer in the libary meeting room. The woman was apologizing for her son missing his weekly meeting and the whole time she was speaking I was thinking... Do you remember me? Do you remember how we tried to teach your son the consequences of his actions back then, but you wouldn't let us? The young man had been caught and arrested for breaking into homes and stealing.

Several more years later, I picked up a bundle of papers someone had dropped behind the library, which was across the street from the courthouse. I glanced at the first page and saw a familiar name. This same young man had been indicted by a grand jury on charges of rape. He was no longer a minor, though, so his mother couldn’t fix it this time. The young man went to prison.

Teachers and school administrators tried on numerous occasions to hold this young man accountable for his actions, but the parent seemed to view the school as the enemy rather than the partners they were in helping responsibly train her son for life.

Some students view teachers with the same attitude—“they don’t like me,” “they gave me that bad grade,” “they’re out to get me,”—as if teachers and students are on opposite sides of a battle.

NEWS FLASH—teachers and students and parents are on the same team! The school and administrators’ goal, like the parents’, is to prepare children for life. It’s a three-way partnership between the parent/ guardian, the student, and the educators. If one of the trilogy isn’t contributing their part—everyone suffers, now and later. The following old saying applies: a cord of three strands is not easily broken. The three cords include:

1) the parent or guardian taking responsibility for the child’s learning and supporting both the child and the school in whatever way needed to prepare the child for life;

2) the school taking responsibility for teaching those mandated skills that, if learned, will enable the student to survive and thrive in life; and

3) the student taking responsibility for their learning and understanding that school is preparing them for life and commiting to do their best to learn those skills.

The habits students develop in school and at home are the habits they will take with them into life and the workplace. If they make it a habit to be on time to class, they’re practicing being on time for work. If they turn in assignments on time, they’re practicing making deadlines on the job. And the reverse is true. If they see the teachers as the enemy, they’ll view their bosses the same way. If they struggle getting along with other students, they’ll struggle with relationships later. If they have trouble respecting property and authority, they’ll disrespect the law later. If they get into the habit of lying to their teachers or friends or parents, they’ll continue to lie on the job or in relationships later.

Sometimes when we make it easier for our children now, we've made it harder for them later. If parents and teachers see poor habits or character developing in a student, now is the time to work together to make the effort to change them, not later when the consequences are greater.

Education is a partnership. Teachers and administrators appreciate and need the support of the parents, and with the deep cuts in education funding over the next couple of years, the load on educators will be even greater—less staff and resources for larger student populations. When it comes to preparing children for life, no one part can do it all, and the responsibility & accountability should fall equally on the shoulders of parents, educators, and students.

Diving Deeper: Who’s teaching the kids?

I’ve taught in a private school, a public school, and I’ve home-schooled, each of which has its advantages and drawbacks. But I’ve learned something valuable in each of those learning environments.

I remember feeling almost overwhelmed when I stepped off the cliff and decided to homeschool my two elementary-aged children in a time when homeschooling was almost unheard of. Only radical, crazy people did that, I heard through the grapevine. Some even considered me to be an enemy of the public school, but that wasn’t the case. I maintained relationships with public school teachers and even served as the District PTA president one year even though my children were not in public school. I knew they would go into public school eventually, and that helped with the transition. And after folks realized that we weren’t hiding our children from society and reality, and that they didn’t turn out really weird, homeschooling was accepted as another choice for parents to educate their children. I’m grateful parents have the freedom to do that in this country if they’re able to and want to.

I remember the huge weight settling on my shoulders when I realized for the first time, the responsibility for my children’s success or failure in preparing them for life was entirely up to me. I didn’t realize how much I had previously depended on the school and church to teach and raise my kids. After homeschooling three and four years respectively up to when each of my children entered public school in the 7th grade, the most important thing I learned from those years was that no matter who was teaching my children, their education or preparing them for life was still ultimately my responsibility as their parent.

That was a huge shift in my perspective. But even with this awareness, there were still some areas that I assumed somebody was teaching them. They did well academically in school, but there were deficiencies when it came to things like my daughter not recognizing that a guy was treating her disrespectfully when he was getting too physical with her at a dance. Hmmm. That wasn’t covered in the textbooks, but I assumed she would just know that instinctively somehow.

Another common assumption among us parents is that our children will somehow inherit noble traits like honesty and loyalty and compassion, but too many staff and students alike are seeing instances where students haven’t learned them. How many have had things stolen from them, have been lied to, or have witnessed the rules being ignored when others think they can get away with it? Who’s teaching the kids integrity—the difference between right and wrong?


Outside of school and her job, a good friend of mine is working with a group of twenty+ teenaged girls who have never been taught how to set a table or use basic manners. I often speak greetings to students who don’t seem to know that it’s impolite to not respond or acknowledge someone speaking to you. Who’s teaching kids basic manners and social skills?

Our custodial staff and teachers witness daily that many students haven’t learned to pick up after themselves, or have to daily be reminded to do so. I wonder if students are allowed to be as messy at home as they are in school. One of our custodians came into the library this morning looking for a student who left her breakfast remains on the table, so he made her go back and pick it up, but too often, the messes are left unaccounted for.

I see young girls dressing provocatively and wonder what they’re hoping to accomplish with the signals they are sending out. Is someone talking to them about that? Who is teaching kids about social and relationship morals, or respecting themselves? A few of our classes cover these things briefly, but when the television and movies preach another morality with few consequences and happy endings, which message is shouting to our kids and which one’s become a whisper?

The school attempts to filter obscene and inappropriate Web sites, but not every computer a child comes across in life will have those barriers. Will they have the willpower to avoid viewing overly violent content that tends to desensitize their minds towards violence? Is anybody talking to kids about why pornography is harmful and that it distorts and damages normal, healthy relationships?

I see the drugs books and books about gangs checked out regularly, so there is a lot of interest among young people about those topics. But I’m concerned that some students are checking them out thinking they are “how to” rather than “stay away from” type books. Red ribbon week—one week a year isn’t enough. Kids are looking for something to belong to; will they make the right choices? Who’s teaching them about that?

When my son came to speak to a group of high school students a few years ago, I overheard a teacher on the Hutto HS campus give him some wise advice that I’ve never forgotten and wish I’d heard when my children were young. He said, “Assume they know nothing.” I laughed, thinking he was making a joke, but he was serious. And when I heard my son asking high school students some of the most basic questions about the leadership in our country and some highly publicized current events happening in the world, I was shocked to see that they couldn’t answer them.

As someone that’s been around the pond for many seasons, I want to encourage parents to talk to their kids about everything—relationships, acceptable behavior, manners, character traits, guarding their eyes, their health—everything. Assume they know nothing until they can show or tell you otherwise.